Obama: Greatest President in the History of Everything

From Amazon.com:

It's hard to remember the dark days before 2008. It was a time of hatred, racism, violence, obese children, war, untaxed rich people, and incandescent light bulbs -- perhaps the worst days we had ever seen. And at the heart of it all was a thuggish, thoughtless man, George W. Bush, who lashed out angrily at whatever he didn't understand -- and he understood so very little. Then there was that laugh of his -- that horrible snicker that mocked everything intelligent and nuanced. Also, he looked like a chimp. 

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It seemed like the end for the United States of America. We would crumble in the hands of vicious, superstitious dimwits determined to hunt "ter'ists" or other figments of Bush's rotten mind. There was nothing left to do but head to Whole Foods to prepare our organic, sustainable, fair-trade last meal as the country ended around us. Despair had overtaken us, and we wondered aloud whether we could ever feel hope again. 

And then a man emerged who firmly answered, "Yes we can!" 

Oh, but Barack Obama was no mere man. He was a paragon of intelligence and civilized society. A savior to the world's depressed. A lightbringer. A genius thinking thoughts the common man could never hope to comprehend. And his words -- his beautiful words read from crystal panes -- reached down to our souls and told us all would be well. With the simple act of casting a ballot for Barack Obama, we could make the world an immeasurably better place -- a world of peace, of love, of understanding, of unicorns, of rainbows, of expanded entitlements. This was his promise. And now, having had him as president for more than two years, we can say without reservation that he has delivered all his promises and more and is the best president this country -- or any country -- has ever had or could even imagine to have.

Thanks to TalkaboutPopMayhem for these recent quotes from Jay Leno:

"I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS." 

On NSA surveillance: "We wanted a president who listens to all Americans – now we have one." 

On a new IRS commissioner: "He's called 'acting commissioner' because he has to act like the scandal doesn't involve the White House." 

On closing the Guantanamo prison for terrorists: "If he really wants to close it, turn it into a government-funded solar power company. The doors will be shut in a month." 

Concerning the Benghazi, Associated Press, and IRS scandals: "Remember in the old days when President Obama's biggest embarrassment was Joe Biden?" 

On Obama saying he didn't know about the IRS scandal: "He was too busy not knowing anything about Benghazi to not know anything about the IRS." 

"The White House has a new slogan about Benghazi: Hope and change the subject." 

"It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records." 

"It is not looking good for President Obama. Today his teleprompter took the Fifth." 

"FOX News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'" 

"These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten." 

On Obama's commencement address: "He told the young graduates their future is bright – unless, of course, they want jobs." 

On a Chicago man who set a record for riding a Ferris wheel: "The only way to go around and around in a circle that many times is to read the official report on Benghazi." 

On White House claims of ignorance on the scandals: "They took 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' out of the Pentagon and moved it into the White House."